Sweet Beautifu Nadia!

     Who this wonderful, beautiful being? Who is this that can bring so much joy, happiness, fear and acute awareness all in the same moment? Who are you that I would throw my entire life away so that you can have just one moments happiness? How do you have such power to cause my mind to swirl and shift like an ocean in the midst of a hurricane? How is it that I allow this? Allow it and yet I am content through your storms, tantrums, episodes of frustration all made mute by that one shining smile or tiny giggle. What control I give to you.

     These are the things I promise you: I will always love you, no matter what. I will do my best to raise you with compassion and love. To the best of my ability...I will always be there for you. I will try to guide you onto a path of kindness, love, understanding and tolerance of all beings. I will allow you to explore and find things out for yourself thus brightening your own self nature. I will always to my best to protect you from harm. I will never expect from you something I myself would not do. I will always lead by example...do as I do and not as I think. I will share in your joy, your silence and your sorrows for always. And finally...I will just be the best possible Dad I can be.

      You mean the world to me my beautiful little girl. I love you!

Rolling Mist

Sitting this morning with no bell, or Jiki or Sangha...Just me. I shifted my legs and felt guilty...why am I feeling guilty and who is really feeling this way? I melted back into my zazen...the candle is flickering along with each thought crossing the screen of my mind. Just like a grainy scratched up film playing on an old rusty projector. My thoughts jumped around like a marionette with a couple of frayed strings. I settle into zazen. The projector begins to slow showing more of the space between my thoughts. What is there? My leg starts to hurt and I notice other leg is falling asleep along with my hand. Dripping zazen. the film is now playing as if the perforations are broken at random intervals: A glitch...a stop...pause...stillness revealed. My back is beginning to hurt and both legs are numb and my breath is deep and slow. Zazen. A bead of sweat rolls down my cheek...or is it a tear? Nothing more than a mountains rolling mist.

Engaging In Nothing

Just a moment from my weekend in support of the AA retreat at Dai Bosatsu Zendo:

I lifted the toaster to find a large pile of squirming maggots. My first thought which was done and gone in a millionth of a second was "Effing GROSS!" However, before that thought was even gone completely out of my head... action had begun...I handed the toaster to young Patrick, "Get this outside." and then I had a rag, plastic baggie and was scooping them into the bag. I do believe I recited "Om ka ka bisam maei sowaka" the invocation of Jizo-Bosatsu at this time, but am unsure as I was  thoroughly engaged in trying to clean this up so that our guests did not have to see this. As I was wiping, one of the participants from the meeting came up behind me and inquired..."What ya dooo...." She gasped and covered her mouth at the sight of the pile of squirming maggots. She managed not to scream (which was appreciated) keeping this small event discreet...calling no attention, which was good for there were 35+ people in the house. She moved along and I finished cleaning the area. When finished...it was as if nothing was ever there...or happened there. Clean, quiet and wonderfully boring. As if nothing had ever occurred there. Indeed...nothing has never occurred there and nothing will occur there again. Just like Pine needles falling to the ground or leaves blowing in the wind. There and gone, blown into the bustling world of nothingness.

OK...back to engaging in nothing at work.

Stuck In the Mud....

At the back end of Beecher lake.

I found myself at Dai-Bosatsu Zendo high up in the Catskill mountains this past weekend doing Samu (work Practice). It has been some time since I had been to DBZ and was apprehensive, slightly scared and excited to return. In 2005 I had done a 100 day training period called Kessei and have not been back since. So, it has been some time between visits. I arrived Friday around 3:30 in the afternoon and  I needed to unwind  losing some pent up resistant energy so I went for a run around Beecher lake. The Trail around the lake was quite over grown which made my footing precarious to say the least. I did manage to round the lake with no twisted ankle though! Then I did another mile and a half on the main road giving me a good work out preparing me for the weekend. I was completely unaware how much more of a workout the Beecher Lake trail was going to offer in the up coming two days. Anyway, after my run...I proceeded to my room, showered and joined the community for evening zazen and an informal meal. I felt so at home being there it was like I never left. After zazen I went for an evening walk, then made my way back to my room and my nice comfy futon...all was right in the world.

                                                   Genryu and Dennis prepared for Samu!

5:30 a.m. the morning wake up bell (Shinrei) goes off... up and down and through out the entire monastery waking us up to call us to morning zazen. I used to really dislike that bell and sure I will again at times but it was a beautiful sound that morning. It was like an old friend whispering in my ear from behind me..."Welcome back Chimon. You were missed." I preceded to the Zendo and adjusted my posture. I had a feeling the morning sits may be a bit long and I was right...probably about an hour total with one moment about half way to stand or adjust posture. Being the stubborn person I am, I sat straight through....it was awesome! It's as if the mountain itself was supporting my sit...my legs stayed awake, pain was there, but manageable...it was an awesome sit. Then came the meal gong...we proceeded to the eating area for a formal meal which took some remembering on my part, for I had not eaten with Jihatsu (a monks food bowls) in a while, but it came back to me mostly...just as the meal chanting was coming back as well. So...zazen,  meal  and then morning meeting and work assignments. My assignment, along with Carlos, Genryu and Dennis...Clean up the lake trail and make it walkable. Awesome!

The four of us split up into two groups each taking one side of the lake. We set out with one person weed whacking and the other following behind raking to keep the path clear of clippings. It was a wet, rainy day which was preferable overall. I would rather have it wet and cool while doing this kind of work. Hot and dry would kick up a lot of dust and would have required many stops for hydration breaks. So the cooler temperatures were a gift over all. We got a large chunk done the first day and by the time we were to stop...I was whooped. Once we stopped we had about 45 minutes to rest, clean up and be ready to go to the zendo for the evening sit followed by our evening meal. After our meal I crawled into bed and slept the best sleep I have had in the past 6 years!!! I stirred once to look at the moon that was peering in on me from a clear nights sky. I peered back, smiled and drifted to sleep once more. The next thing that stirred me was the Shinrei bell...OK...starting to dislike it again. No, not really. It wakes me so I can stretch before our sit and I need to stretch... for sure. Zazen was again wonderful and our morning meal was perfect for the day ahead.

This day was sunny and quite a bit warmer. Luckily most of the weed whacking was done so we only had a little more to do of that. We set out after the whacking of the weeds to get large flat stones for parts of the trail that were marshy. To get the rocks to these spots Genryu used the row boat to float the rocks to where we needed them and I then went and met him so we could set the stones. At the end of our work session,we had gotten a lot done. There were a couple of bridges in serious disrepair but the monastery carpenter (Zomu) was going to handle that part. We had really spent ourselves good and all of us were tired and ready to wrap it up. So it's time for our farewell meal...it is about 1:30 and all is going well. Everyone is eating and chatting enjoying the time we had shared in pretty much silent work practice. I started to clean my room and prepare for departure around 2:45-3:00 pm and get my bags down to my car. This is when I had my greatest lesson of the weekend.

Upon approaching Dai Bosatsu Zen Monastery there is construction happening at the main gate house. The main entry way was coned off and blocked by a ladder. If you did not know there was an access road another 100 feet past the gate house you may become quite confused and for some reason there was no sign indicating as such. I fortunately, had someone behind me to point the entry way. However one young woman did not and moved the cones and the ladder. She then thought that there had to be a different road down and when it was time to leave, she drove off in her Mercedes down an old logging road that has only been used by a local farmer to mine big rocks for a wall on his property. As I was loading my car she came up to me: "Do you know which road is the way out?" I said "There is only one road in and out and that is it right here in front of us." I gestured to the main road. She says "I thought since the gate house is in repair there had to be another way out. So I went down that road (She gestured to a completely different road) and now I am stuck." We then proceeded down the road to where she got stuck and let me say...how she got to where she was stuck, in a Mercedes was in and of itself a feat! There were 3' ruts all the way down and we walked for 5 minutes to get to her car.

I suggested we go get David, the Zomu, for help. He took her in a big red Dump Truck that has 4x4 and I said I would meet him down there. I then cleaned the rest of my room...ran the last of my luggage to my car and proceeded down the hill and to my astonishment...the truck was now stuck as well! So, now we have a stuck car and truck with tired people trying to figure everything out... but all of us still,with a heart of Samu worked together to try to get her car and now the truck, unstuck. So there were, about 5 of us trying figure this out and I stuck (no pun intended) around til 5 p.m. digging in the mud, pulling at rocks and eventually I had to hit the road and I bid them farewell. My drive home I was scrapping mud of my arms and legs wondering how they were doing. I did find out that both vehicles did make it out eventually and all is well.

Gate house under construction at DBZ.

The lesson was that sometimes we all head down the wrong road and get stuck in the mud. Then we ask for help and sometimes get that person stuck in the mud with us. Eventually we will find help and get dragged out of the mud but if we first asked someone who knows which road to head down...we may have never gotten stuck in the first place. There are many roads for us to follow in this life...some of them I know will lead me to a happier and more fruitful life and others... not so much. I need to always be mindful and not think I have all the answers and never be afraid to ask..."Hey, which road do you think I should take?" My friends and trusted confidants will never steer me wrong...nor will the Dharma which today I give all my trust to. So this day I ask you...which road are you going to take?

This IS The BEST I Have Ever Been!

I have had quite and exciting and full life! It has been a mixture of positive, negative and neutral energies through out all of it. I have been to visit other states and countries. I have gotten to know and understand other cultures. I have comforted people as well as harmed people too. I have kicked some ass and have had my ass kicked as well. I have had some nice places to live in and at times I have been homeless (albeit shortly). Nope...my life has been one huge flowing ever changing river of love, hate, despair, joy, happiness, sadness, life and death. I have two beautiful little girls...well one is a teenager now but she will always be that little girl to me. I have a faith that is flourishing and blossoming daily and I have my health...for which I cannot express gratitude enough for!

The one thing I do not have is an ability nor the power to make you...or anybody else happy. That is not with in my capabilities. Nor is it my job. I don't want that power or responsibility. You are responsible for your own happiness and to think that you can find it in another person whether that person is your child, lover, friend, god or whatever...you will NEVER be happy. Nope...the only way to find it is to look in the mirror and see the only person responsible for it...staring right back at you. You cannot blame anyone other than that person staring back from the mirror for your current state of mind. Not me...not your parents...not your ex! Not anyone or anything! Nope...just you.

It took me a long time to realize that. I am so glad I don't have to put my happiness in the hands of another today. You do not have the power to make me feel poorly of myself, angry or sad. That is FREEING and liberating to say the least! No more blame...no more drama! Acceptance of how I live and do things is the key to my happiness and I know one thing: I will still fuck shit up! I am good at that, hell...I am a PRO at it, but I know that as long as I do things with a good heart and good positive motives...those events when I fuck things up will become less and further apart from one another. As long as an attempt is made at living better...things will get better. But...it takes time.

This is the best I have ever been in my life! I am still a mess...still perfectly imperfect with a ton of work to do on myself. If you want to stick around for the ride (it will be bumpy at times), please join me. But remember...I am not responsible for your happiness, you are. Oh...and by the way...this ride I am on...I am not driving anymore! So some of the bumps are unavoidable.

Looking Back to Move Forward

It's 4:30 in the morning Saturday June 1st 2012, and I have just finished a 30 minute period of zazen. The rain was falling gently upon the window sill as the birds started to awaken in the distance. You know your up early when you hear the birds wake up. It is an interesting moment to say the least. I used to live at a zen temple named Hoen-ji in Syracuse NY. My teacher, Shinge Roshi was always supportive of me in my practice and daily endeavors. I used to do work around the temple grounds doing minor tasks such as light carpentry, simple plumbing, mowing, sweeping, cleaning so on and so on. These things were all my practice that enabled me to carry the essence of my zazen into my daily life functioning harmoniously within society.

In 2005 I committed to a 100 day training period called Kessei. It was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. I completed it, albeit a tad begrudgingly, but I did finish! I have been notorious my entire life of never finishing anything and this accomplishment felt wonderful. However, I fell into not focusing on myself shortly after and fell away from my relationship with Zen Practice. In falling away I found myself led back to old patterns and habits that were not the healthiest for me...or those closest to me. From 2006 to 2010 I managed to watch my father die of cancer, get married and have a child, destroy that marriage and subsequently...destroy myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. Then came a day to make a choice: Live better or die a mess! I chose to live better but my ego and stubbornness still kept me from practicing zazen. So on January 11, 2011 I smoked my last cigarette and drank my last beer ( for the 100th time in my life) and set out to live better.

I first hooked up with a bunch of sober bikers. These guys were great: they told me how it is and how it will be. They watched out over me for my first 6 months of not drinking and without them I may not have made it that far. I am forever grateful to them. However at 6 months I was crazier than a shit-house rat! I had a started counseling in January as well but that was only helping so much...I needed something more. So I started running and exercising. In 5 months I went from weighing 265lbs to 220lbs. Today I am roughly 212lbs. and still running and feeling much better about myself. Let me explain that in the absence of drinking and smoking I started to realize something about myself: I am a tad OCD. Yeah...go figure. When I could barely run a mile I wanted to be able to run a 5k, then when I completed that I want to be able to run a 10k. Then My friend Marianne was running a marathon and I wanted to do that. It keeps getting better! I met Karen who is an Ultra-marathoner and has completed multiple 100 mile races and guess what...Yep! I want to do that as well. So with in a years time.I went from barely able to run 1 mile to completing a marathon and my first 50k with an attempt at 50 miles on June 30th. Yes I am a little nuts but the alternative is crazier... so, I will stick with this brand of nuttiness, thank you.

So, what does all this have to do with zazen? Everything! I found that during my running I became focused on my breathing...same as zazen. I found that with the pain associated with the running if I stayed with my breath, it would carry me through to the end. Exactly the same as zazen...the only difference was that with zazen...my mind is unusually active...running gave my mind much external stimuli so I didn't have thought pattern issues as grand as they manifest during zazen. Zazen offers and opportunity to really work on our minds thought processes that running does not afford me. Sure...I have mental ups and downs with running and am able to push through those lulls. However with a still body and very minimal external stimulus...the mind goes whacky...at least mine does. Hence, my return to sitting practice. Sitting quietly for periods of 30 to 45 minutes can seem like hours or like minutes depending. Why? I don't know...but I want to and shall delve back into it. It is in understanding ourselves that we can make ourselves better. Better in all aspects of being human. This is my thirst today...to better master my human condition thru accepting the guidance of the universe through zazen. Understanding is great but understanding without application is wasted energy. Why do it if your not going to apply what it is your are doing?

From a very young age I have always dealt with chemical dependency. I think it may all stem from this OCD that I find myself having. Maybe it was a way to quiet that. It really does not matter right now. What matters is the quality of life that I can live making it better for me and those around me. Nobody wants to be around a depressed, drunk, cigarette smoking bummer of a human being. We are not meant to be that. We are meant to be vibrant, energetic, happy and full of vigor. Boundless joyful spirits manifested in a world of suffering. It is not easy but as the saying goes...if it were easy, everyone would do it. So I look at what was workng in the past for me...an embrace it. Sure I will have moments of wanting to not do it. Or moments of despair. These are the things life are made of: Joy, sorrow, anger. happiness are all manifestations within our mind. I have tools today to make life better...what will I do with them? Use them or let them becoming rusty and useless? Today I will use them to make a better life for all those around me that I am fortunate to have in my life today. That includes you...who are reading this.

So I look back...what has worked and what hasn't worked and choose to move forward never dwelling in the past but peaking at it for reminders of where I was, where I can go and how to accomplish it. I wish for all of us to be happier beings. I will not do this perfectly nor will I make everyone happy in the path I am choosing...but I need to do what I know will make me more well rounded being. That can be of benefit to as many people as I can. I hope one day to really understand what that usefulness is.

Contemplation

With the finger Lakes 50 mile race coming up soon I find myself thinking way too much. With my thoughts all jumbled together not taking on any type of coherent pattern I find myself confused, and feeling a little anxious. My apartment is a pig-sty and I have no ambition to clean it up. Running shoes, shorts, Honey Stingers, Gu's and a multitude of other running support items lay strewn about mixed in with past due bills and junk mail. Honestly, I am enjoying the mess. It is what it is and I will get to it when I get to it...that is the bottom line. After all, am I not about to embark on this stupid fucking idea I had of running 50 mile in just 30 short days? That too will be what it will be.

I have trained pretty good for this attempt at 50 miles...I have done 2 of the toughest race I have done to date (note: I only started running a year ago). The Hyner Challenge was a 25k that really kicked my ass and taught me the importance of electrolyte replenishment. Having your quads and calf's cramp up at the same time really sucks. Never want to experience that again. Then there was the MacNaughton 30 mile (50k) which was also quite daunting. These 2 races gave me a ton of confidence in going forward towards the FL50. That confidence was crushed by the Highland 123 trail race right in my own back yard. I have run this trail 3 times in preparation for this event and felt ready for it. Highland is a 10 mile trail loop you can do 1, 2 or 3 times...I was shooting for 3 to get my last long run in before my taper and then withing the first 100 Yds. rolled my ankle. I wasn't paying attention to the trail but more to the people I was running with. Not paying attention to foot placement and walla...twisted ankle. I am not new to rolled ankles...I have rolled my left ankle at least 7 times during this training period but this was by far the worst of all the rolls. So, I walked it off...then started a slow pace and then it  felt better. I did my first 10 mile loop in 2:05! Felt great...I head back out for my second loop and BANG...at 15 miles my ankle goes on strike. I couldn't run on it anymore! That 5 mile hike back to the finish was not fun and way to long to say the least. I finished my second loop in 3:15 feeling dejected and sore.

So Now, I sit here...staying off the ankle starting my taper a little early and not exactly the way I would want to. I haven't run at all since Highland and the soreness is still there but is getting better. I will try a nice steady trail run this coming Saturday and see how it feels. I am nervous...I really want to finish 50 miles...but am lacking in confidence at this point. Hence a need to write and get this shit out! I feel better already! So...here we go...30 days away and I will be lining up to attempt it...Only the Universe knows how it will turn out. I know one thing though...I will start out with my eyes focused more at my feet for sure!

OK...Until my next rambling rant...Sayonara!