I have not written in a long time. I fell out of love with talking about things that seemed pointless. My feelings being the most pointless of them all. However today, I live now as a single father, a 53 year old single father of a 10 year old Autistic young lady. Her mom has passed and I am all really she has left.
First, I really miss her mom. We had our issues but I miss having that one person who gets our daughter...I mean really really gets her. That one person who really shared in the joy of her acceomplishments. For there are no small acceomplisments for nadia...everything is a huge milestone. Her mom has passed after a 2 year fight with Cancer. She was 53 y/o and did not deserve to go out the way she did. Further proof to me that there is no god. She was one of the most gentle, kindest loving people I ever knew and I am so grieving the loss of this beautiful person. I miss you Heidi. I always will. Sorry I was not a better man for our family.
Nadia is also coping with this loss. She doesnt show it all the time but I can see it there, lutking underneath her demeanor just waiting to pouce. Nadia is a strong little girl, with lots of challenges and I have the privledge now of guiding her the best that I can. I can only hope I dont fuck her up more than I was fucked up by my upbringing. I will do the best I can and that I promise to her mom.
Now...WTF do I do? One foot in front of the other, one day, one moment one second at a time.
2020 has been really a shitty year. Covid took away half my income, not sure when I will star getting some freelance back...but I do hope soon. 2020 took her mom away. 2020 was telling me that I needed a woman in my life and I was sdesperate for anything I thought remotely good and almost brought someone into my daughters world that would not have been healthy. This person was needy and controling...no, not happening.
Our country is falling apart at the seams, Covid 19 is running amok for our federal government has no interest in trying to stop it. Racist and white supremacy have reemerged their ugly heads in full defiance of human deceny, and this is the world I have to prepare my daughter for! At what point does the cost become such that we are willing to do anything for our childs future? I am starting to feel that the cost of not doing anything is going to be higher for my daughter than it is for me.
I love her...will do anything for her. We will see what happens this Novemebr...Something has to give.
