It's 4:30 in the morning Saturday June 1st 2012, and I have just finished a 30 minute period of zazen. The rain was falling gently upon the window sill as the birds started to awaken in the distance. You know your up early when you hear the birds wake up. It is an interesting moment to say the least. I used to live at a zen temple named Hoen-ji in Syracuse NY. My teacher, Shinge Roshi was always supportive of me in my practice and daily endeavors. I used to do work around the temple grounds doing minor tasks such as light carpentry, simple plumbing, mowing, sweeping, cleaning so on and so on. These things were all my practice that enabled me to carry the essence of my zazen into my daily life functioning harmoniously within society.
In 2005 I committed to a 100 day training period called Kessei. It was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. I completed it, albeit a tad begrudgingly, but I did finish! I have been notorious my entire life of never finishing anything and this accomplishment felt wonderful. However, I fell into not focusing on myself shortly after and fell away from my relationship with Zen Practice. In falling away I found myself led back to old patterns and habits that were not the healthiest for me...or those closest to me. From 2006 to 2010 I managed to watch my father die of cancer, get married and have a child, destroy that marriage and subsequently...destroy myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. Then came a day to make a choice: Live better or die a mess! I chose to live better but my ego and stubbornness still kept me from practicing zazen. So on January 11, 2011 I smoked my last cigarette and drank my last beer ( for the 100th time in my life) and set out to live better.
I first hooked up with a bunch of sober bikers. These guys were great: they told me how it is and how it will be. They watched out over me for my first 6 months of not drinking and without them I may not have made it that far. I am forever grateful to them. However at 6 months I was crazier than a shit-house rat! I had a started counseling in January as well but that was only helping so much...I needed something more. So I started running and exercising. In 5 months I went from weighing 265lbs to 220lbs. Today I am roughly 212lbs. and still running and feeling much better about myself. Let me explain that in the absence of drinking and smoking I started to realize something about myself: I am a tad OCD. Yeah...go figure. When I could barely run a mile I wanted to be able to run a 5k, then when I completed that I want to be able to run a 10k. Then My friend Marianne was running a marathon and I wanted to do that. It keeps getting better! I met Karen who is an Ultra-marathoner and has completed multiple 100 mile races and guess what...Yep! I want to do that as well. So with in a years time.I went from barely able to run 1 mile to completing a marathon and my first 50k with an attempt at 50 miles on June 30th. Yes I am a little nuts but the alternative is crazier... so, I will stick with this brand of nuttiness, thank you.
So, what does all this have to do with zazen? Everything! I found that during my running I became focused on my breathing...same as zazen. I found that with the pain associated with the running if I stayed with my breath, it would carry me through to the end. Exactly the same as zazen...the only difference was that with zazen...my mind is unusually active...running gave my mind much external stimuli so I didn't have thought pattern issues as grand as they manifest during zazen. Zazen offers and opportunity to really work on our minds thought processes that running does not afford me. Sure...I have mental ups and downs with running and am able to push through those lulls. However with a still body and very minimal external stimulus...the mind goes whacky...at least mine does. Hence, my return to sitting practice. Sitting quietly for periods of 30 to 45 minutes can seem like hours or like minutes depending. Why? I don't know...but I want to and shall delve back into it. It is in understanding ourselves that we can make ourselves better. Better in all aspects of being human. This is my thirst today...to better master my human condition thru accepting the guidance of the universe through zazen. Understanding is great but understanding without application is wasted energy. Why do it if your not going to apply what it is your are doing?
From a very young age I have always dealt with chemical dependency. I think it may all stem from this OCD that I find myself having. Maybe it was a way to quiet that. It really does not matter right now. What matters is the quality of life that I can live making it better for me and those around me. Nobody wants to be around a depressed, drunk, cigarette smoking bummer of a human being. We are not meant to be that. We are meant to be vibrant, energetic, happy and full of vigor. Boundless joyful spirits manifested in a world of suffering. It is not easy but as the saying goes...if it were easy, everyone would do it. So I look at what was workng in the past for me...an embrace it. Sure I will have moments of wanting to not do it. Or moments of despair. These are the things life are made of: Joy, sorrow, anger. happiness are all manifestations within our mind. I have tools today to make life better...what will I do with them? Use them or let them becoming rusty and useless? Today I will use them to make a better life for all those around me that I am fortunate to have in my life today. That includes you...who are reading this.
So I look back...what has worked and what hasn't worked and choose to move forward never dwelling in the past but peaking at it for reminders of where I was, where I can go and how to accomplish it. I wish for all of us to be happier beings. I will not do this perfectly nor will I make everyone happy in the path I am choosing...but I need to do what I know will make me more well rounded being. That can be of benefit to as many people as I can. I hope one day to really understand what that usefulness is.
