At what cost??

I have not written in a long time. I fell out of love with talking about things that seemed pointless. My feelings being the most pointless of them all. However today, I live now as a single father, a 53 year old single father of a 10 year old Autistic young lady. Her mom has passed and I am all really she has left.
First, I really miss her mom. We had our issues but I miss having that one person who gets our daughter...I mean really really gets her. That one person who really shared in the joy of her acceomplishments. For there are no small acceomplisments for nadia...everything is a huge milestone. Her mom has passed after a 2 year fight with Cancer. She was 53 y/o and did not deserve to go out the way she did. Further proof to me that there is no god. She was one of the most gentle, kindest loving people I ever knew and I am so grieving the loss of this beautiful person. I miss you Heidi. I always will. Sorry I was not a better man for our family.
Nadia is also coping with this loss. She doesnt show it all the time but I can see it there, lutking underneath her demeanor just waiting to pouce. Nadia is a strong little girl, with lots of challenges and I have the privledge now of guiding her the best that I can. I can only hope I dont fuck her up more than I was fucked up by my upbringing. I will do the best I can and that I promise to her mom.
Now...WTF do I do? One foot in front of the other, one day, one moment one second at a time.
2020 has been really a shitty year. Covid took away half my income, not sure when I will star getting some freelance back...but I do hope soon. 2020 took her mom away. 2020 was telling me that I needed a woman in my life and I was sdesperate for anything I thought remotely good and almost brought someone into my daughters world that would not have been healthy. This person was needy and controling...no, not happening.
Our country is falling apart at the seams, Covid 19 is running amok for our federal government has no interest in trying to stop it. Racist and white supremacy have reemerged their ugly heads in full defiance of human deceny, and this is the world I have to prepare my daughter for! At what point does the cost become such that we are willing to do anything for our childs future? I am starting to feel that the cost of not doing anything is going to be higher for my daughter than it is for me.
I love her...will do anything for her. We will see what happens this Novemebr...Something has to give.

2014 Mountain Goat Report

The last time (and the first time) I ran the Goat was in 2012 in ~1:32. I was hurt the past year with SIJ issues but have been feeling better and did it this year in ~1:43. A little slower but still a respectable time. My training leading up to the Goat was not the best being a bit sporadic and non committal. So the 1:43 time was under what I thought I was gonna do and I was quite surprised with the end result!

It was cold and raining when I arrived at about 9 a.m. The race doesn't start til 10:20 but I like to warm up and have good parking for a quick exit. I enjoy running and the running community but I really am not down with being festive with 2500 sweaty runner after having run 10 Miles...just not my scene. So I did about a mile warm-up and was just enjoying the pre-race atmosphere. The rain had stopped but the wind was picking up and it felt about mid 30's to 40's. My running friends Marianne, Erin and Michael showed up and we found our spot in the corral of ~2500 or so other runners and then...BANG! We were off.

Miles 1-3 I was wearing a rain parka till I warmed up. Got hot at about 1.5 and ran with it in my hand until about 3 miles where I saw a friend. I tossed it to him and said thanks...I owe ya a cold one I will pick it later and kept on going. At this point I had pulled ahead of my running mates trying to keep a good solid pace. I was great till we got to Colvin 7miles in.

Colvin is a bear of a climb. This course has three significant uphill portions and Colvin is the 3rd and most difficult. The reason so much isn't the hill...it's when you get up onto Comstock and it appears to level off. However...Comstock in that direction is a gradual incline for about 3/4 of a mile and it eats at your soul! Devouring any good mood you may have had left. But...there is nice little down hill into Thornden Park followed by the last uphill and pretty much all down hill to the finish. At about 9 Miles it started to rain...but I welcomed it...It felt good. The rain had stopped by the time I crossed the finish line. It was a good race. I didn't
PR...but was not expecting to. I am just glad my injury did not resurface and I was able to finish.

So now....whats next?

Sweet Beautifu Nadia!

     Who this wonderful, beautiful being? Who is this that can bring so much joy, happiness, fear and acute awareness all in the same moment? Who are you that I would throw my entire life away so that you can have just one moments happiness? How do you have such power to cause my mind to swirl and shift like an ocean in the midst of a hurricane? How is it that I allow this? Allow it and yet I am content through your storms, tantrums, episodes of frustration all made mute by that one shining smile or tiny giggle. What control I give to you.

     These are the things I promise you: I will always love you, no matter what. I will do my best to raise you with compassion and love. To the best of my ability...I will always be there for you. I will try to guide you onto a path of kindness, love, understanding and tolerance of all beings. I will allow you to explore and find things out for yourself thus brightening your own self nature. I will always to my best to protect you from harm. I will never expect from you something I myself would not do. I will always lead by example...do as I do and not as I think. I will share in your joy, your silence and your sorrows for always. And finally...I will just be the best possible Dad I can be.

      You mean the world to me my beautiful little girl. I love you!

Rolling Mist

Sitting this morning with no bell, or Jiki or Sangha...Just me. I shifted my legs and felt guilty...why am I feeling guilty and who is really feeling this way? I melted back into my zazen...the candle is flickering along with each thought crossing the screen of my mind. Just like a grainy scratched up film playing on an old rusty projector. My thoughts jumped around like a marionette with a couple of frayed strings. I settle into zazen. The projector begins to slow showing more of the space between my thoughts. What is there? My leg starts to hurt and I notice other leg is falling asleep along with my hand. Dripping zazen. the film is now playing as if the perforations are broken at random intervals: A glitch...a stop...pause...stillness revealed. My back is beginning to hurt and both legs are numb and my breath is deep and slow. Zazen. A bead of sweat rolls down my cheek...or is it a tear? Nothing more than a mountains rolling mist.

Engaging In Nothing

Just a moment from my weekend in support of the AA retreat at Dai Bosatsu Zendo:

I lifted the toaster to find a large pile of squirming maggots. My first thought which was done and gone in a millionth of a second was "Effing GROSS!" However, before that thought was even gone completely out of my head... action had begun...I handed the toaster to young Patrick, "Get this outside." and then I had a rag, plastic baggie and was scooping them into the bag. I do believe I recited "Om ka ka bisam maei sowaka" the invocation of Jizo-Bosatsu at this time, but am unsure as I was  thoroughly engaged in trying to clean this up so that our guests did not have to see this. As I was wiping, one of the participants from the meeting came up behind me and inquired..."What ya dooo...." She gasped and covered her mouth at the sight of the pile of squirming maggots. She managed not to scream (which was appreciated) keeping this small event discreet...calling no attention, which was good for there were 35+ people in the house. She moved along and I finished cleaning the area. When finished...it was as if nothing was ever there...or happened there. Clean, quiet and wonderfully boring. As if nothing had ever occurred there. Indeed...nothing has never occurred there and nothing will occur there again. Just like Pine needles falling to the ground or leaves blowing in the wind. There and gone, blown into the bustling world of nothingness.

OK...back to engaging in nothing at work.

Stuck In the Mud....

At the back end of Beecher lake.

I found myself at Dai-Bosatsu Zendo high up in the Catskill mountains this past weekend doing Samu (work Practice). It has been some time since I had been to DBZ and was apprehensive, slightly scared and excited to return. In 2005 I had done a 100 day training period called Kessei and have not been back since. So, it has been some time between visits. I arrived Friday around 3:30 in the afternoon and  I needed to unwind  losing some pent up resistant energy so I went for a run around Beecher lake. The Trail around the lake was quite over grown which made my footing precarious to say the least. I did manage to round the lake with no twisted ankle though! Then I did another mile and a half on the main road giving me a good work out preparing me for the weekend. I was completely unaware how much more of a workout the Beecher Lake trail was going to offer in the up coming two days. Anyway, after my run...I proceeded to my room, showered and joined the community for evening zazen and an informal meal. I felt so at home being there it was like I never left. After zazen I went for an evening walk, then made my way back to my room and my nice comfy futon...all was right in the world.

                                                   Genryu and Dennis prepared for Samu!

5:30 a.m. the morning wake up bell (Shinrei) goes off... up and down and through out the entire monastery waking us up to call us to morning zazen. I used to really dislike that bell and sure I will again at times but it was a beautiful sound that morning. It was like an old friend whispering in my ear from behind me..."Welcome back Chimon. You were missed." I preceded to the Zendo and adjusted my posture. I had a feeling the morning sits may be a bit long and I was right...probably about an hour total with one moment about half way to stand or adjust posture. Being the stubborn person I am, I sat straight through....it was awesome! It's as if the mountain itself was supporting my sit...my legs stayed awake, pain was there, but manageable...it was an awesome sit. Then came the meal gong...we proceeded to the eating area for a formal meal which took some remembering on my part, for I had not eaten with Jihatsu (a monks food bowls) in a while, but it came back to me mostly...just as the meal chanting was coming back as well. So...zazen,  meal  and then morning meeting and work assignments. My assignment, along with Carlos, Genryu and Dennis...Clean up the lake trail and make it walkable. Awesome!

The four of us split up into two groups each taking one side of the lake. We set out with one person weed whacking and the other following behind raking to keep the path clear of clippings. It was a wet, rainy day which was preferable overall. I would rather have it wet and cool while doing this kind of work. Hot and dry would kick up a lot of dust and would have required many stops for hydration breaks. So the cooler temperatures were a gift over all. We got a large chunk done the first day and by the time we were to stop...I was whooped. Once we stopped we had about 45 minutes to rest, clean up and be ready to go to the zendo for the evening sit followed by our evening meal. After our meal I crawled into bed and slept the best sleep I have had in the past 6 years!!! I stirred once to look at the moon that was peering in on me from a clear nights sky. I peered back, smiled and drifted to sleep once more. The next thing that stirred me was the Shinrei bell...OK...starting to dislike it again. No, not really. It wakes me so I can stretch before our sit and I need to stretch... for sure. Zazen was again wonderful and our morning meal was perfect for the day ahead.

This day was sunny and quite a bit warmer. Luckily most of the weed whacking was done so we only had a little more to do of that. We set out after the whacking of the weeds to get large flat stones for parts of the trail that were marshy. To get the rocks to these spots Genryu used the row boat to float the rocks to where we needed them and I then went and met him so we could set the stones. At the end of our work session,we had gotten a lot done. There were a couple of bridges in serious disrepair but the monastery carpenter (Zomu) was going to handle that part. We had really spent ourselves good and all of us were tired and ready to wrap it up. So it's time for our farewell meal...it is about 1:30 and all is going well. Everyone is eating and chatting enjoying the time we had shared in pretty much silent work practice. I started to clean my room and prepare for departure around 2:45-3:00 pm and get my bags down to my car. This is when I had my greatest lesson of the weekend.

Upon approaching Dai Bosatsu Zen Monastery there is construction happening at the main gate house. The main entry way was coned off and blocked by a ladder. If you did not know there was an access road another 100 feet past the gate house you may become quite confused and for some reason there was no sign indicating as such. I fortunately, had someone behind me to point the entry way. However one young woman did not and moved the cones and the ladder. She then thought that there had to be a different road down and when it was time to leave, she drove off in her Mercedes down an old logging road that has only been used by a local farmer to mine big rocks for a wall on his property. As I was loading my car she came up to me: "Do you know which road is the way out?" I said "There is only one road in and out and that is it right here in front of us." I gestured to the main road. She says "I thought since the gate house is in repair there had to be another way out. So I went down that road (She gestured to a completely different road) and now I am stuck." We then proceeded down the road to where she got stuck and let me say...how she got to where she was stuck, in a Mercedes was in and of itself a feat! There were 3' ruts all the way down and we walked for 5 minutes to get to her car.

I suggested we go get David, the Zomu, for help. He took her in a big red Dump Truck that has 4x4 and I said I would meet him down there. I then cleaned the rest of my room...ran the last of my luggage to my car and proceeded down the hill and to my astonishment...the truck was now stuck as well! So, now we have a stuck car and truck with tired people trying to figure everything out... but all of us still,with a heart of Samu worked together to try to get her car and now the truck, unstuck. So there were, about 5 of us trying figure this out and I stuck (no pun intended) around til 5 p.m. digging in the mud, pulling at rocks and eventually I had to hit the road and I bid them farewell. My drive home I was scrapping mud of my arms and legs wondering how they were doing. I did find out that both vehicles did make it out eventually and all is well.

Gate house under construction at DBZ.

The lesson was that sometimes we all head down the wrong road and get stuck in the mud. Then we ask for help and sometimes get that person stuck in the mud with us. Eventually we will find help and get dragged out of the mud but if we first asked someone who knows which road to head down...we may have never gotten stuck in the first place. There are many roads for us to follow in this life...some of them I know will lead me to a happier and more fruitful life and others... not so much. I need to always be mindful and not think I have all the answers and never be afraid to ask..."Hey, which road do you think I should take?" My friends and trusted confidants will never steer me wrong...nor will the Dharma which today I give all my trust to. So this day I ask you...which road are you going to take?

This IS The BEST I Have Ever Been!

I have had quite and exciting and full life! It has been a mixture of positive, negative and neutral energies through out all of it. I have been to visit other states and countries. I have gotten to know and understand other cultures. I have comforted people as well as harmed people too. I have kicked some ass and have had my ass kicked as well. I have had some nice places to live in and at times I have been homeless (albeit shortly). Nope...my life has been one huge flowing ever changing river of love, hate, despair, joy, happiness, sadness, life and death. I have two beautiful little girls...well one is a teenager now but she will always be that little girl to me. I have a faith that is flourishing and blossoming daily and I have my health...for which I cannot express gratitude enough for!

The one thing I do not have is an ability nor the power to make you...or anybody else happy. That is not with in my capabilities. Nor is it my job. I don't want that power or responsibility. You are responsible for your own happiness and to think that you can find it in another person whether that person is your child, lover, friend, god or whatever...you will NEVER be happy. Nope...the only way to find it is to look in the mirror and see the only person responsible for it...staring right back at you. You cannot blame anyone other than that person staring back from the mirror for your current state of mind. Not me...not your parents...not your ex! Not anyone or anything! Nope...just you.

It took me a long time to realize that. I am so glad I don't have to put my happiness in the hands of another today. You do not have the power to make me feel poorly of myself, angry or sad. That is FREEING and liberating to say the least! No more blame...no more drama! Acceptance of how I live and do things is the key to my happiness and I know one thing: I will still fuck shit up! I am good at that, hell...I am a PRO at it, but I know that as long as I do things with a good heart and good positive motives...those events when I fuck things up will become less and further apart from one another. As long as an attempt is made at living better...things will get better. But...it takes time.

This is the best I have ever been in my life! I am still a mess...still perfectly imperfect with a ton of work to do on myself. If you want to stick around for the ride (it will be bumpy at times), please join me. But remember...I am not responsible for your happiness, you are. Oh...and by the way...this ride I am on...I am not driving anymore! So some of the bumps are unavoidable.